As all good Jacobites know, the key to any disaster is survival. And as the threat of Corona Virus spreads throughout the country and the masses have taken to panic-buying, we thought it would be useful to detail some of the tips that keeps Jacobites going with The Spirit of Rebellion, no matter the disaster.

Surprisingly, the first item on on our list is not food, no, it’s the other end that starts our apocalyptic survival guide. Nothing causes such feverish pangs of mortal fear amongst any good Jacobite as running out of bog roll. Yes, as our graph shows, it’s only Germany and the USA that out-wipes us and true to form, the supermarket shelves are as bare as a team-full of Rugby arses on a coach outing to Leeds. So, what are your options should the dreaded, cardboard tube appear too soon.
Our research has shown there are many smart and many full-on, terrifying alternatives to the rolling, softened-paper sheet. Our favourite list comes from Homestead Survival and some options might just surprise you (they definitely surprised us).

Number 1 on the list is the trusty newspaper. Despite seeing a decline in sales over the last few years, the humble broadsheet or tabloid is the best alternative should you exhaust supplies of the good stuff. We recommend rushing out to buy as many copies of The Daily Mail as possible, especially as we approach the climax of their endless Harry coverage. Nothing better than a fulsome delivery cleaned up with a soon-to-be ex-royal. Magazines on the other hand, well, we all know the shiny, tracing-paper texture of primary school toilet paper of the 80s and 90s…unless it’s a decent, heavy print like Cosmo, it’s probably going to make more mess than you started with.

The list continues through the usual banal entries of Bidets- known to most as “holiday foot washers”- sponges on sticks, rag cloths and of course, the leftover, cardboard tubes but it definitely gets a bit more interesting further down the list. Clearly written by a Male survivalist, he suggests using Sanitary products…erm, ok, but what if we run out of those, too, Rambo?!

The charge into the ridiculous continues with Snow! First off, it mostly rains here. Waiting for the first decent snow will not work and given that we are already into March, it’s only going to happen if we plan a barbecue in May. Rope?! Rope!?! Yes, apparently the sailors out there managed a quick wipe on the way past before some poor deckhand found his hands, well, full.
Yes, yes, of course, leaves we all know about- the famous Dock Leaf is not only regularly used to sooth nettle stings but it is also the ultimate, emergency wipe. Millennials, probably need a bit of an elaborate introduction to this given the propensity of portable, synthetic “wipes” by the time they’d come along. We will leave it to you to discuss with any you know.

Corn on the cob was a bit of a curve ball but we expect the leaves could work, albeit slightly rough and oh, the irony of sweetcorn being part of the solution...
Finally, and perhaps our favourite is the inclusion of “receipts”. Yes, those overly-long stretches of worryingly shiny paper, spat out at you by machines after they do that “DO NOT CHALLENGE: CLEARLY OVER 18” bit at the self-service till.

For years, we have wondered in awe at the archive of receipts stored by our mothers. Covering transactions from antiquity such as "C&A Shiny Cardigan and Tie Combo” for the Christmas Disco circa 1989, “just in case it doesn’t fit” alongside “Pancake Place lunch, because I didn’t feel the toilets were very clean”. This finally explains the sense in all of the madness. Smart mums know best.

So, you have some ideas. But there’s bound to be more out there. We ask you all, with the survival instincts of the Jacobites and sharing, The Spirit of Rebellion, what will you stockpile!
Watch out for our next instalment of “Survive” with The Spirit of Rebellion.